About four weeks ago, I realized that…or at least that I was on my way to that. To a state of okay-ness.
I’ve continued to go to yoga (borderline obsessed with it) and to the gym regularly. I was on a soccer team. I found a bar that I like going to and feel comfortable at alone. I’m finding ways to accomplish work goals and I’m slowly creating a game plan for my future. It may end up being the case that when I leave this city, I actually miss it…
This city has been a rough, bumpy time for me. Moving here less than a year after my sister died, dealing with the deaths of other family members, getting broken up with… And during all that, realizing that my job is not what I was hoping it would be… I don’t think there’s any question that I’ve felt a little lost.
The breakup woke me up – was the tipping point – the last straw to a realization – that I was developing characteristics that I didn’t want to have, that I wasn’t being proactive but inactive in pursuing the life that I want, that I lost my sense of adventure and was no longer pushing myself to try new things, make new friends…
In the past couple of months, I’ve changed that. I’ve started to gain parts of me back that I hadn’t even realized were lost. And, I’ve made new friends. One in particular a couple of weeks ago, that unbeknownst to him, gave me something incredibly special – a shirt with an owl on it. I’m not sure if I’ve ever mentioned that my sister was obsessed with owls – but she was. So many owls! I have at least three, four, five owl-related items of hers. So, being given this shirt… If I was sure of the afterlife, I would take it as a clear sign of my sister reassuring me that everything will be okay. That I’m on the right path. Since I am unsure, though, I just let myself enjoy the comfort of the notion without questioning the reality of it.
In yoga, at the end of every class – you lay in corpse pose (Savasana), a meditative, quiet pose. As the teacher brings your awareness back, she usually discusses that in corpse pose you let your old self die and you are reborn a better version of yourself. If only it were really that easy…but maybe it is?
It’s as if everything I’ve been through in the past…well, decade really…was pushing me towards this ledge…and instead of letting it all go and jumping off – arms wide open…I clung on to it all, kept myself from falling – saw it as falling, saw it as failing. And, I’m still hesitant…I don’t think I’ve quite made the leap yet, but I’m looking over the edge and I’m no longer scared of not knowing what’s below, instead I’m starting to feel that excitement of the unknown that I lost a while back… I can feel it burning in my belly, twinkling in my eyes… I’m finding myself, again. And gawd, how I’ve missed me.
It’s a strange thing to lose yourself…but it’s an amazing thing to regain yourself, even if it’s only a little at a time.
I’m going to end this post with my own version of the closing of every yoga class, because, well, it’s about honoring the light within each one of us. I know it sounds a little froo froo, but for me, it’s come to mean being true to myself, accepting who I am but also working towards who I want to be, and acknowledging others doing the same in their own way. And even further, providing encouragement and support to one another as we try to become these better versions of ourselves. (Yeah yeah – I’ve obviously become a yogi – so sue me.)
So with that:
The unique, twinkling, transforming light within me honors the equally unique, radiant, and powerful light within each one of you.