Show and Tell

ari on horse 2b‘Show and Tell’ time!  Just like the good ol’ days.  Here’s a picture of my sister.  I think she was two.  If you’re unclear of the danger of the situation,  that pony is a good foot off the ground…and it’s not your typical rocking horse.  It’s held in the air by rods sticking out that are attached to springs running horizontally, that then attach to the outside pole structure.  And, THAT is how my sister liked to ride it.  AT TWO.  Good grief.  If there is one picture that sums the child up – it’s this.  Precariously balancing on a spring-loaded pony.  She’s insane.  She pushed the limits – that’s for sure.  My mom says that she’d fall off…and get right back up and do this over and over.  …thinking of my mom…ha…good parenting there.  Letting your two-year-old perform circus acts whilst taking pictures.  LOL.

I miss my sister so much today.  It’s one of those days where there’s this tight pressure on my chest…it’s not quite suffocating, it’s just this heavy feeling, as if gravity has shifted so that, even though I’m upright, it can still press down.  And down down down it presses.

Recently, I’ve been skirting a lot of feelings…the top one being: GUILT.  In my situation, there’s a lot to feel guilty about and it’s exacerbated by the fact that she had an illness.  I always knew she was sick, knew that there was a high probability she wouldn’t make it another five years.  Why-oh-why didn’t this change my actions more?  I. Don’t. Know.  I have some valid excuses.  But, not enough to make me feel better.  My mom points out that in the last two years – I did go home more often and I did try to do more things with her.  Somehow, this doesn’t help, because all I can see is the other more, the more that I should have done.

And, then…there’s this other guilt…and when I acknowledge this other guilt…my eyes instantly water and I………

….don’t want to acknowledge this other guilt right now.  Because my eyes just instantly watered and my throat tightened up and the pressure on my chest just got heavier…….

So, I will press my fingers to my forehead…and massage this all away…

And deal with it another day.

(Note the rhyme…pretty impressive, yes?)

(Yay for distracting myself from myself!)

(…is this denial?  I don’t know…)

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