I’m writing this post in the hope that, by writing it, the chatter in my brain will quiet down – at least for a few hours, because I really have to get some work done tonight.
Last night, I found out some information about my ex that has made me feel rather tumultuous over the last 24 hours. It can be summed up in the ever-so-typical post-breakup experience of finding out that your ex moved on. The how quickly and the with who part of the equation hasn’t made it easier…let’s just say I did not catch a break here.
So, the last 24 hours have been a bit of a process – an up and downhill battle with myself. Worsened by the fact that I’ve been missing him and thinking about him pretty regularly for a couple of weeks now. I’m guessing this is just part of my cycle – good for a while, sad for a while… And, even with this new knowledge, I still love him. Despite my bleeding heart.
About the only productive thing I’ve accomplished today, was going to volunteer tonight. I volunteer in the pediatric wing of a hospital, a sort of quiet, personal tribute to my sister – trying to make some sick kid’s life just a little better, even if just for a little while. There is a lot of cleaning and sanitizing, but there’s also a lot of spending time with children of all shapes and sizes. Tonight, I spent a bit of time walking around holding a very, very adorable baby. She is a cuddler, the nurse said. So, I just paced back and forth staring into this teeny tiny face. And, everything fell away for a while. All that existed was me and this baby.
And I tried to find some perspective while looking at this sweet, little face, in the land of hospital world where one should just have a general appreciation for life. I tried to find some way of looking at this that just didn’t feel so shitty. But, it does feel shitty. It feels really really shitty.
And ya know what? That’s okay. If anything, I’m just being honest. I was honest in the relationship and I’m honest outside of it. I’m at least going to give myself that. I wasn’t perfect, but I was always honest. I’m not gonna start lying to myself now…this hurts, this sucks, and as much as I want to find some way to be positive…I think that today, I’m going to feel the shittiness, feel the sadness…and just let myself be.
I’ll find perspective tomorrow.