Admission of Guilt

…and I’m not talking about the guilt-grief kind.  I made this blog with one intention…giving me an outlet to express my feelings about my sister’s death.  In less than two months, I have somehow strayed from this.  I wasn’t supposed to worry about whether people were actually reading the blog or how my writing sounded to anyone else, etc.  The blog was supposed to be complete narcissistic devotion to myself.  Ha.

But, I started reading online about how to make your blog’s readership grow (already, straying from this blog’s purpose!)…and that inevitably led to the dreaded Facebook page.  Now, I already have problems with Facebook (the blog on death and Facebook is a comin’ – watch out, Facebook), so I don’t use my personal FB page that often anymore.  And, originally, I thought having a “Room 257” page would be good, as I could update it when new posts were up for any readers that I did have.  BUT – IT TOOK OVER MY LIFE.

Alright, not quite, but FRICKIN’-A.  FB is the most horribly addicting thing ever.  And, my page doesn’t even have 30 likes.  So, all-in-all, it’s not like there was that much new going on!  Even so, I started checking it a lot and exploring/liking other grief pages.  Some pages I connect with more (Remembering Our Lost Siblings and Death of a Loved one) for my own personal reasons…others, not so much.  There are so many pages, though, that anyone could find at least one page that he/she finds helpful.

To be clear, I’m not saying that this is at all bad…finding a FB community…I’m saying that I got carried away with being in charge of a page and trying to get “likes”.  I started with just typing up the quotes from poems that I like and posting pictures of them (also can see in “Quotes” section) on my FB page and on others’.  This, I like doing and will continue to do…but not with the pressure of thinking I have to do it often!  Because, I did start feeling this weird pressure to post something at least every couple of days…and that’s when it really got bad.  Because I started checking to see if people liked it or shared it or commented on it………and yesterday, I made an image to share (below) based on a FB conversation with someone…and today, it has been liked and shared and re-shared over 1,000 times.  Whoa.  It’s not that I don’t agree with what I wrote (duh, I wrote it), but I realized this wasn’t how I wanted to express myself.  Or, rather, this isn’t how I feel comfortable expressing myself.  I feel comfortable typing, right here, right now, on my laptop in Room 257 (my mental space for sister thoughts).

I do think that there is a weird sense or belief that grief is some sort of process and, eventually, you get over it.  But, I think – like the quote says – it’s really – that you learn to live with it.  So, if you seem better, it’s that you’ve figured out how to manage your loss to a certain degree – learned how to live with it (not that you’re over it or that it doesn’t affect you).  Since this image exploded on FB overnight, it seems many people agree.  And, I’m glad (and a little shocked) that I helped so many people express this feeling and I really do think it’s a topic that needs some good discussion.  But, I need to back off of the FB page obsession before I’m posting pictures of puppies and angels all day long.  LOL.

So, I’m apologizing for taking the focus from my blog to the FB page.  I like the page, I’ll still use the page to talk to people and occasionally post things…but I now officially vow to be addicted no more!  And, there are some really great FB grief sites, but I’m not equipped to be one of them.  I’m still a mess of emotions (that recently I’ve been doing my best not to deal with), so probably not the healthiest person to give any credence to at the moment.  Anywho…I’ve got to pee.  So, til the next blog…  (Oh and feel free to yell at me if I do start posting a plethora of puppy and angel images on FB!)

Proverbial slap on the wrist.  Done.Grief is not a Process

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