Mysterious ways…

I don’t believe in much in the way of religion and spiritualism.  I like the idea of it sometimes….I wish I had faith sometimes.  But, in the end, I think it’s more of a want to believe than an actual belief.

But then there are times when my lack of belief is called into question.  Times like a couple of days ago.

I’ve obviously been struggling with putting my dog to sleep… and the night of my last blog, I just hated myself.  It’s the closest thing I’ve had to an “out of body” experience – going through the motions of doing this, of putting him down, when deep down some little voice was yelling at me not to, not yet.  But, the little voice was little and, well, now it’s much larger, much louder…and I’ve realized that I was doing what was “right” for everyone other than myself.  I was being the “strong” one – the tough decision was somehow put on me and I did what I was expected to do and said what I was expected to say. But the truth is that I wasn’t ready.  So, yeah…been struggling…

But then, I received a message from one of my sister’s closest friends…here’s a shortened version:

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I reached out to a medium today, well it’s been planned for a couple months, hoping to connect with one of my relatives…but I had to share with you the very first thing she said.

She said that she saw a dog that just passed away.  Smaller but not as small as a chihuahua. Lighter in color, not black. Not a dog from 20 years ago but one who has passed recently.  He popped through to say he made it to the other side and: “They’re together”.

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When I read this, I broke down.  I don’t have strong beliefs in anything…but the pressure on my chest became a little lighter.  The idea that they are together now, that it is okay…helps.

Pressing down…

We put my dog to sleep today.

It was awful.

I keep trying to convince myself that it was for the best, but then, all I can remember is when the vet brought him back into the room with the catheter in his leg and set him on the table in front of me and he backed up into my arms so quickly…

…because I’m supposed to protect him and he was scared.  And he had had a good day. I had spent three days with him and this morning, this morning, he acted like himself for the first time.  The front door was open and we were sitting in the sunshine – he was panting and smiling like he used to all the time.  His tail was wagging.  He wasn’t startled when I pet him and he stayed around me.  He was happy.

But it was for the best, right?  He also made “messes” all over the house this morning and over the past three days.  He also walked around in circles all weekend because he had arthritis.  He also had a heart murmur and kidney problems.  He also was pretty much deaf and blind.

I’m trying to force myself to be glad…to be happy that his last morning was a good one, and I keep mentally listing all of the problems he had, keep telling myself that we saved him from more pain than he may have already been in, that an almost-18 year-old dog wasn’t going to survive much longer……..but I just keep crying.

And maybe before my sister died this wouldn’t tear me apart like it is…..but it is tearing me apart, it is opening up old wounds and putting salt in the ones that aren’t even healed.

And the weight – the heavy pressure…it’s pressing down, again.  It’s pressing down because all I can see…all I can think about…is him backing up into my arms.